Venturing Across The Ocean

Who would name their kid Attor? Certainly not George Clooney. Congratulations are in order for the fifty-two year old and his now wife-to-be, human rights lawyer Amal Alamuddin. May this lucky couple remain very happy together, unlike 24% of Londoners who have anonymously admitted to the Debt Advisory Centre that they have stayed in a relationship for more than a year purely because they literally couldn't afford not to.

While not usually the type to revel in the misfortune of others, I couldn't help but feel unashamedly smug with this statistic as it demonstrates the very reason why I have impossibly high standards when it comes to relationships. In my view if I'm going to 'give it a go' with someone (I said it not it, although even then I've been accused of a shallow attitude), I'd better be utterly positive that we will never, ever, ever break up...or at least that I won't be responsible.

The thought of ending up like these couples in a loveless, dry and emotionless void filled only by the next cup of tea is repugnant to me. It's taken billions of years for the dust in space to be pulled together into a single piece of land which broke apart to create two continents leaving our ancestors to spend thousands of years living their own lives before venturing across the ocean to discover each other. Not to mention the endless amount of evolution and revolution which has lead to an intellectual species capable of language and lucky enough to possess opposable thumbs. To waste not only the gift of life but the wonder of the 21st century griping with a nagging bore you don't even love would be a horrific waste.

However, in the interests of balance we mustn't forget the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster who insist that their organisation is 'real, totally legit, and backed by hard science' so maybe it is worth throwing in the towel for the first fleshpile who makes you hard.

No matter how it all began, the important thing is to enjoy the time we have. Fuck how we got here, the meaning of it all or what happens while our body is digested by bacteria in a graveyard. In the words of comedian, foreigner and drunk, Doug Stanhope,

'You die at the end of it, Dummy'. Besides, if you're one of the few who got my George Clooney reference at the beginning, it certainly hasn't all been a waste of time.