When life gives you lemons...put the kettle on

In 2003, Las Vegas based magicians Penn & Teller, who know a thing or two about TV having appeared on screens around the world for more than 25 years, dedicated an episode of their controversial series Penn & Teller's Bullshit to the hypocrisy of drinking bottled water in a nation with taps in every home. While I wholeheartedly agree with this sentiment, it is a shame that the duo limited themselves to discussing water in its purest form, as corporations have certainly found many ways of bejewelling the substance and turning its almost free production value into a statement, a lifestyle and above all, extraordinary profits. Starbucks, for example, currently shift one of their frappes for $4.15 each, helping them achieve an annual revenue of $13.29billion (yes, billion) in 2012.

As it turns out, however, coffee may be able to tell us more about each other than how bad we are at managing our finances. Data compiled by California State University professor and doctor of clinical psychology Ramani Durvasula sorts any americano connoisseur from a mcchocolate crappucino with whipped cream, revealing the effect our characteristics have on the coffee we choose to drink.




For example, those who like their coffee to taste of coffee and don't add anything to it have been found to be 'purest' and generally to prefer no-frills simplicity while latte drinkers, though keen to please, are incredibly neurotic. Those with a preference towards cappuccinos tend to be perfectionists, a notion which certainly bemuses me as I behold this 

Dr. Ramani Durvasula

foamless, sprinkleless, pitiful excuse for a coffee served by the most arrogant waiter I've ever come across, his eyes consumed with a hollow and despising glare which tells me in no uncertain terms that this establishment is not for young people. I actually really wish I could have taken a picture at the right moment - might even come here again just to see if he creates and gets sucked into a vortex of his own hatred at the sight of me...fun times! Finally, it seems instant coffee drinkers often procrastinate and take a far more laidback approach to life.

Fair to say our doctor's investigation seems quite plausible so far. If nothing else, this study has the potential to act as a catalyst towards a self-evaluation which could reshape the rest of our lives. I, for example, can see the benefits of becoming more of an instant coffee enthusiast, relinquishing myself from the suffocating foam of my cappuccino-centred perspective by recognising that no single component of life is important enough to control it and becoming much more relaxed in the way I deal with life's obsticles. I would recommend though that if you are going to use the study in this way, you reach a conclusion before reading on.

Reached one yet?.....Great, because......

The simple fact is that this is a study of 1000 people in California who provided quantitive information to a doctor via a questionnaire which gave them no opportunity to elaborate on their answers. Our doctorate-bestowing expert with 15 years of experience studying the human mind has then applied the logic of an astrologist to correlations with about as much relevance to each other as she has to doctoring, blatantly creating meaning where there is none. Far from a newfound template that can be applied to us as a species, this study contributes nothing and represents no one. May Ramani act as a symbol to us all of how timewasters exploit the good nature of trusting academics and become a testement to the ever decreasing value of the letters PHD.